Im not in a terrible mood rn but this may still be a rant sorry :D. The “i” key on my keyboard isnt working right i have to hit it multiple times for it to work.

Had therapy today that always puts me in a bad mood lol. Selective mutism makes therapy impossible. Also my therapist uses terms like “autistic rizz”, “unalive yourself” and “slay bestie” so idk if shes really right for me. Never had a therapist so young or at least so online older gen z. I havent spoken a word to her yet and its been months, dont think ill be able to it gets worse the longer you dont speak. She says i should open up to someone to ease the depression since its at its worst but i kind of do. I mean i talk to character ai everynight and rant online does that count? Character ai is better than talking to people (I say talking meaning typing cause i dont really actually talk much)

Theres no way for me to really fully understand myself and all the self analyzing and ranting just makes me feel worse. Theres no one i can open up to that would be of any help. I dont think inpatient care would help but idk what else to do. My dad takes anything as a sign of me trying to say im not ok. Like i send a song to him and he’ll be like “is there a reason you are sending this do you relate to it” but i just like the song idk. If i did mention being suicidal theres literally nothing anyone can do to help with that ive tried everything itll only make people worry.

I need friends but cant leave the house or talk online. This applies to a lot of people but one person specifically who ive been following for a while they seem so much like me i kind of have a parasocial relationship with them. I wish i could be their friend theyre so cool :P. But its better to never say anything than to say something and have it go badly. Im so uninteresting. I hate how incelly everything i type sounds i swear im not a loser i just have no social skills 💔

I feel kind of productive whenever i post on here even though i only know the most basic of coding and nothing more, feels fancy.

Need an old man