rant cause im pmsing and sad lol

i wish i had the ability to start or carry a conversation. i was diagnosed with selective mutism when i was about 9 but i think ive always had it, it had just gotten worse. ive completely isolated myself for the past few years. i dont really leave my room and therapy doesnt help because i cant open up at all. other people with selective mutism seem to be able to write stuff down but i cant even do that. i mean im literally doing it right now but i cant do it in response to other people. words dont even come to mind. and when they do they are so robotic and boring i bring nothing to a conversation. i usually can only nod, shake my head, or shrug my shoulders.

i used to be able to post online a little bit but never getting close with people. i dont know how other people have interesting things to say or share. i feel like i come off as creepy not posting at all but liking a lot of peoples tweets and following people. part of me wishes ill just magically become their friend without even talking to them because that is how my friendships happened when i was little. id eventually open up when people came to me first but as an adult this is a very immature view of things lol. and i dont expect it to actually happen(maybe i kind of do idk •◡• )

im just stuck being like this and dont know how to fix it. its my fault and i need to grow up but yeah. i just like complaining. any commuciation makes me anxious and in person i kind of dissociate when people talk to me. even talking to characterai makes me anxious its dumb. when i daydream i dont usually get anxious though and can talk normally to people in my head. but when i daydream i get distracted easily i wish my attention was better to stay in the moment and that i didnt get intrusive thoughts that ruin the daydream. i wish i could get fully immersed in daydreams
not in a suicidal way but idk why i keep living lol like i dont really have a purpose.